ordinary, every day world

i loved molly's blog post. i don't always express gratitude for how beautiful the ordinary really is, and i'm not great at documenting it. so here are some things i love that have become our ordinary world right now:

~our neighbors. across the street, we have two revival churches of sorts. they sing and preach in spanish so i never know what they are saying, but i tell you they have some exciting worship meetings. i love tuesday and friday evenings when their tuba shakes our walls. our neighbors on both sides of our house are two of the sweetest ladies you'll ever meet. they are the best of friends. joann picks ella up 2 or 3 times a week just to get her out of the house. they go to mcdonald's for a coke, arby's for a milkshake, and KFC for the tuesday $2.99 special. they go to the dollar store, wal-mart, and are both quite fond of chuck-a-rama. it's great coming home at the same time they do and listening to their adventures from the day.

~our long grass. sure it looks like a jungle and coco gets lost in it, but it's nice not really stressing about yard work.

~the grocery store. it's a different experience shopping in our little town. no one is in a hurry. customer service is seriously lacking. the shelves are picked over if you go after 11 am, and we have the lamest wal-mart known to mankind. but for some odd reason, i've become fond of this quirky place.

~fall. it's the best season. the colors this year are incredible. i'm feeling like cooking again. and we are loving fall TV: parenthood and new girl (and of course lots of football.)

~coco messing up the rug and sliding across the floor when she hears mike's car pull in. she just can't contain her excitement!

our days are as ordinary as they come. wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean up, watch tv, repeat. i feel blessed to have this routine. it means we have jobs and income. it means we have food to eat and a bed to sleep in. more importantly, it means we have someone to come home to, and that's something i don't take for granted.

in a nutshell, august was pretty great. it seemed to be the fullest month of the summer for us.

we explored the natural history museum of utah. maybe this is weird but my favorite part was the view. and checking out the pervious pavement/amazing concrete work.

friends visited from out of town. we may have spent most of our lunch in tears as we talked about what we've all been through this summer. i think this lunch was needed for all of us; i definitely had a perspective shift after talking. 

we toured the parade of homes in salt lake. i convinced mike that we're going to have white kitchen cabinets in our next house. i also convinced him that we need a barn door somewhere in the house.

we took a final summer trip to the cabin. it was a quick weekend trip, but we caught up on season 7 of 24, dined at the grizzly bar, and spent a day in big sky.

i'm pretty glad that this summer is over and more than happy to welcome a new season--yay for football, long drives, cool air and cooking up deliciousness in the kitchen.

third time's the charm

we got the best news ever while vacationing last week: we finally sold our house!

as stressful as it was to own a house we weren't living in, it had become our safety net to the place and people we love. i felt that as long as we had our house in logan, we might move back. now that it's not ours (and will be used as a rental property, sad), i've been nostalgic about all the things that did and didn't happen in our very first home.

it was the place where i learned how to cook and enjoy it. it's the place where i found yard work to be a little more enjoyable than ever before and learned firsthand how difficult it is to keep the grass green. we learned what it's like to have caring, friendly, wonderful neighbors. we put up christmas lights. we painted. we planted. we raised a puppy with only minimal damage to the floor. i held piano recitals and hosted a wedding shower. we cleaned out a flooded basement, twice. our weekends weren't complete without a trip to home depot. our house was small and it was old, but we took a lot of pride in the place we called home.

we never hosted that neighborhood BBQ we talked about. we never tore off the wheat wallpaper in the laundry room. we never replaced the awful linoleum floor or the stair coco tore up. and of course we had big plans for the second bedroom that didn't quite pan out.

i am relieved beyond words that we sold it--yay for only one monthly rent payment! i'm excited to start house hunting for something that we plan to stay in for a LONG time. but i'm also a little bit sad that the logan chapter of our life is closed. logan was so good to us.

the little exploder that could

driving down I-15 at 10 pm on the fourth of july is a great way to experience fireworks. we could see dozens of little shows going on from ogden to park city.

we made a quick trip to logan for the fourth. we had to pick up coco who had been enjoying the last week chasing chickens and ducks at my in-laws. along the way, we stopped to say hello to my grandpa and checked on our vacant house. the grass is dying. the annuals (or is it perennials?) i planted years ago are dying and overgrown with weeds, and the back yard? our neighbors sprayed the weeds for fear they would overtake their garden, which was probably a good idea. we've had the house under contract twice with no luck of selling it yet. this week we have shown it to two people who really liked it and received one way too low offer. we are crossing our fingers that we can sell it this year. pretty please let one of them buy it!

we also got to pick up my car which has been in the shop for the last month. the transmission went out a few weeks ago. who would have thought that the 95 explorer--broken doors, no speakers, rattling at 50 mph and now no a/c--would outlast my newer and supposedly "nicer" car? we have lovingly named it the little exploder that could.

it's been kind of fun living with just one car as we wait for the insurance company to find a transmission to fix mine. my favorite part is that mike and i have been driving to and from work together. i drop him off and every day he has some new comment to make fun of our situation. "just drop me off at the corner. i don't want my friends seeing you drop me off" and "can you take me early today? i really want to play with my friends before work." i'm glad that he laughs at us. i love that rather than complaining or stressing out about it, he chooses to laugh and joke and make light of the fact that i'm his chauffeur for a while. i don't mind being his chauffer, and luckily he doesn't mind too much, either.

##

spiritual enlightenment for the day: "and he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. most gladly therefore will i rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of christ may rest upon me." [2 cor. 12:9]

in this great talk by brad wilcox, he states: "Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.

Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher's touch."

the only good thing about saying farewell to february is that we're almost done with those awful subway febru-any commercials. i'm kind of sad the month is already over!

i started the month with babysitting my triplet cousins for a few days. the last time i babysat them for a weekend they were maybe 4 years old, and i learned that they would much rather play at the zoo's park rather than look at the animals. this babysitting experience was much different. they are 14 so my job was really just to make sure they were fed and had a chauffer to their basketball and volleyball games. the best part was listening to them talk with each other when they got home from school. they could finish each others' sentences, they were constantly talking over each other, and it just happened to be the last day to order roses for valentine's day to be delivered during school, so there was a whole lot of advice from the girls trying to convince their brother that he needed to order a rose for the girl who has a mega crush on him. gosh it was entertaining to listen to their banter.

the rest of the month is a blur of working 14-hour days, spending two nights in salt lake for a work conference, and i finished the month in atlanta. it was a quick trip, but while there, i read the hunger games, kept myself up all night because of some weird inability to sleep, and i enjoyed a social drinking hour with the irish consolate of georgia. people kept telling me congratulations for being mormon, and i tried to clear up a few stereotypes--no i don't have horns, i am my husband's only wife, i am only a little bit crazy, and i do drink caffeine. honestly, people from the south are so kind and so full of faith. just like my last trip to georgia, i came home with a resolve to be more bold in my conviction of jesus christ.

so all in all, things are pretty great here. flying from one thing to another and lots to look forward to in the coming months.

2011 memories, moments and lessons

favorite memories:
+going to st. george with my dad for my birthday
+growing closer to mike than i ever thought possible
+playing "samuri unite" in sun valley
+roadtrip to wyoming to take kennedy to school
+cruise to mexico

hardest moments:
+leaving logan--unexpectedly moving--drastically changing our plans and future goals
+house payment + rent payment
+living apart from mike for 6 months

lessons learned:
+forgive. forget. move on.
+"i am the master of my fate; i am the captain of my soul."
+"courage, then, and patience! courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. and then when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." -victor hugo

note to self: remember

Image found here

+remember that this week you toured the new brigham city temple with some work colleagues. remember that despite the chaos and noise of construction, the grounds were peaceful. remember the details inside: the exquisite hand-carved wood, the peach blossoms that are incorporated throughout the interior and exterior, the fruit trees that will soon be planted. remember the pride you felt walking through this beautiful building during its early construction. your hometown will soon have a temple!

+remember hillary, who told you with great conviction that she has a responsbility to love God and serve His children. remember her motto for serving and her response to being an instrument in God's hands, saying, "God, i've got this one." remember that there are people close to you who are lonely or struggling and need someone to answer their prayer by saying, "God, i've got this one."

+remember the sunbeam who was asked to draw a picture of what it looked like at jesus' birth and sincerely asked: what does birth look like? remember how you smiled and felt a bit of gratitude that you don't know what birth looks like.

+remember that you came home from long days feeling proud of the things you've accomplished. remember that you are good at what you do. remember the opportunities that have come your way. remember that along with some sadness and emptiness, this season of life is one of growth and happiness. remember that this week you didn't have to convince yourself that you were happy: you just felt it. fully, completely, painstakingly happy.

11.11.11

i'm not really superstitious, but i had to take a photo at 11:11 on 11/11/11. what were you doing today at 11:11? i was writing an awards application for work. exciting, i know.

other exciting events lately:

-last night i met my bloggy friend janae for dinner. mike made fun of me for "meeting a girl i met on the internet" and he was maybe a little worried about whether or not i'd come home alive. it was really fun to meet someone that i feel like i already know. i think she's fabulous, and i love that we met through our blogs. blogging is kinda great, isn't it?

-my little sister is in town! this means lots of basketball games this weekend. sporting events can bring out the worst in people. it's especially rough when you have to sit between fans from the opposing team because everyone is trying to out-yell each other. of course I am not the one participating in the yelling...

-how did i get anywhere before the maps app on my phone? if i made a thankful list today, that would be #1.

-i am also wondering how i taught primary 5 years ago without a phone. it is the only thing the 4-year-olds are interested in.

-this week i attended a conference for women in business. mike called it my girl power day. sometimes i'm awkward in settings with women who are super successful and high achievers and out to prove it. i feel so out of place. i was just there for the free food. but i did enjoy the remarks from one of the speakers who challenged those in attendance to be PROactive rather than REactive. when change occurs from the outside in, it creates pressure and we end up just reacting to the circumstance. it's amazing how just changing the way you label something changes the way you perceive it. change vs. stretch. problem vs. challenge. failure vs. opportunity. some of those words have a negative connotation, some have a positive one. he reminded us that strength only occurs after the point of discomfort. i can choose to be uncomfortable with change or i can choose to optimistic about it. i like to consider myself a realist rather than an optimist, but i appreciated the challenge to change how i label certain events and thus change my attitude.

we recently took a drive up the beautiful alpine loop which may be the most photographed road in the state right now. there's a good reason, too. the trees are still vibrant and gold and the air is definitely easier to breathe up there.

october is one of my favorite months. we sent it out with a bang by eating the halloween treats we bought since we didn't have any trick or treaters, and i decided that i like chili. but not just any chili, chocolate chipotle chili.

i'm equally excited for november, maybe because we're leaving the country for the longest vacation we've ever had and definitely because it's now acceptable to listen to christmas music. who am i kidding....i've been listening to it for weeks now :) leave it to michael to get you excited for christmas!

no words

it's been an interesting few days around here.

first: we were pulled over by a cop who accused us of smoking pot.

read that again and please laugh as hard as we did when he asked us, so have you smoked any pot lately? the cop even called back up because you know, mike and i have a pretty bad drug habit and have been known to resist arrests before so he was definitely going to need some help with us.

the cop's basis for our smoking pot (we were pulled over for having a burnt out tail light) was that mike's eyes were red. why else would he have red eyes unless he had been using illegal drugs, right?  the cop kept shining his flashlight through our car and in our faces, and when he wasn't satisfied with our insistence that we hadn't been smoking nor have we ever, he asked, "well do you have any open food in the car? i smell something that just really smells like pot." we did have some chips in the car and a diet coke in the back seat. we offered him a drink and a taste of our chips, but he wasn't interested.

it was the weirdest thing, and you better believe i wrote a long letter to the editor about this idiot of a cop. if nothing else, it was motivation to clean the car and try to scrub out that pot smell.

second: i offended at least one person with what i wrote here, and i'm truly sorry. i didn't mean to belittle motherhood or those of you who are raising babies. believe me--i want to be a mother more than anything else. that's my problem: all i want is to be a mom and sometimes, nothing else matters. in the midst of our quest to have a baby, i often lose sight of my worth as a daughter of God, failing to recognize my capability to do great things simply because i'm not a mother right now.

i was just trying to say that i think we are all loved. we each have a divine worth that is independent of anything else. God loves us, and i believe he wants to make something great of us, something even greater than we can comprehend. that's all.

even greater

being brave on the blog today. and it's long. you've been warned!

C.Jane has done it again. i've re-read this post 100 times. i’m nodding my head, i’m crying, i’m wishing i were as good with words as she is, because this is what i’ve wanted to say. this is what i want to say to people who don’t get it. to the mean but perhaps well-meaning ladies at church. to the woman who asked “when is it your turn” every time she saw me holding a baby. to the man who rebuked me and mike saying, “you’ve both graduated from college, you both have good jobs, you're making good money, you should be having kids.” to the woman who told me i was “ornery because you hate being around babies.” to the sister-in-law who offered to be a surrogate because she gets pregnant “as soon as he looks at me.” to the countless people who have offered their two cents on an easy fix: just adopt. just lose weight. just see this doctor—he has a 98% success rate!  just try acupuncture. just eat better. just have more faith. just “practice” more. just relax: your time will come.

it’s not just about being pregnant or having a baby anymore, and especially right now when i couldn't be much more infertile or aware of it and not sure how to move forward, i’m realizing that it’s not even about a baby, or lack thereof. infertility and the longing, the emptiness, the excitement, the discouragement, the hope, the heaviness, the sorrow, the laughter (and i have some funny stories to tell some day)--they are all the symptoms, but not the cause.

the cause as C. Jane puts it is “not seeing who I really [am], with or without a baby.”

it wasn’t a minor breakthrough when i realized that who i am, and my value as a daughter of God, is not defined by my infertility.

several years ago i had this skewed mindset that i was trying to do things "right," so God loved me and i’d be a mother soon. i had based my worth on becoming a mother. when that didn't happen, i seriously doubted my capability of doing anything.

silly, right? i was basing my worth on something i have absolutely no control over. i was basing His love on all the wrong things, and i was looking for evidence of His love in events that have yet to happen.

i remember driving home from work several months ago and pleading, "my burden is too heavy. i can't carry it anymore. i am too tired. i am done. please. please help me."

i had said the same prayer a dozen times before, but this time was different. i think the difference was instead of saying the prayer i wanted, i said the prayer i needed, and i was open to hearing the answer. i didn't suddenly become pregnant. i didn't have an epiphany about what medical procedure to try next. my situation didn't change at all, in fact, but a clear realization came to me: you are a daughter of God. you are valuable. you are loved. and that is enough.

my burden didn't feel so heavy when i allowed myself to feel that His love is enough, and i began to understand that He loves me not because of something i have or haven’t done—He loves me because i am His. and because i am His, i am capable of becoming something even greater than a mother.

i love this october

the colorful red and yellow trees, a baby shower for my cousin and sister-in-law, football games (poor aggies!), and celebrating mike's birthday all week- we hit up park city, provo, and orem for dinner, dessert, and a movie. then we bribed people to come over yesterday with homemade cinnamon rolls.

i also love that my phone has a camera. sure they aren't great quality, but i would miss snapping pictures of these little moments without it.

why do you love this october?

the plan

we went for a drive last night,
talked about what's next for our little family,
ate milk shakes as we perused through neighborhoods
searching for our dream house.

will this valley become our home?
where will we be in one year?

in five years?

i always cringe when making "the plan,"

and sometimes i can't help but laugh as others around me tell me their plan

down to the very month, date, and hour.

i was once naive enough to think my plan was THE plan.

this- where we're at now-was definitely not my plan.

as we drove, talked, and ate,
we watched a storm roll in over timp,
an incredible pillar of light shining through the black clouds,
and i felt faith that this is God's plan.
where we are now,
the way things have happened,
and what has led us here
were all things that we never expected, but
 thankfully He knows better than I.

my plan is happening just as should.

what it's like

this weekend was pretty great and typical for the weekends we enjoy as a family of two (plus a dog). maybe one day i'll have a hard time remembering what it was like with only two. for memories' sake, this is what it's like:

+weekend trips to logan

+coco taking up the whole back seat of the car and all her stuff filling up the trunk
+barbeques with the family wherein i can enjoy laughing, eating, playing with the other babies and only occasionally worry about keeping the dog away from the chickens

+waking up for church with plenty of time to spare and still showing up late. i am always late even though i only have myself to get ready

+staying up until 2 am watching prison break

+sleeping in until 10:30
+eating corn dogs and nachos for sunday dinner
+day trips to park city

+splurging on a new coat that i really didn't need

we did a little laboring over the weekend, too, and we have 20 pints of salsa to show for it. yay for being domestic!

simple goodness

we finished watching the last episode of friday night lights tonight. we started with season 1 in may and by the end of august we finished season 5. appropriate way to end the summer, i think.

i cried through the whole episode. mike claims his eyes were red because of his contacts (yeah right) but i'm sure he cried, too. he rolled his eyes and asked, "how many times have you seen this episode? and why are you crying?" i've only seen it twice. okay three times. and i was crying because that's what i do, and because it is the most brilliantly written and acted tv show.

as one writer put it, "the reason we love this show: we learn that we can, in our daily lives, live with integrity and openness to whatever the world offers us; that it is better to live with an open heart that allows us to believe in the possibiliy of an impossibly long pass, and the love of two people that endures no matter what; that the love of a show about football and Texas has nothing to do with football or Texas, and is instead about the potential each of us has to be normal, regular, incredible people. the show models a type of living and a kind of human purpose that we instinctively want to be around: simple goodness."

so on this first day of september, i'm thinking about simple goodness. i'm thinking about the potential we each have to be normal, regular, incredible people. i'm thinking that we have every reason to believe in the possibility of an impossibly long pass.

and if that's not enough to leave you feeling inspired and wanting more, i've got two words for you: tim riggins. that's all.

i'm baaaack

hello friends! i've had a nice little blogging break, but i want to feel good about writing on this public space again so i'm going to give it a shot.

several things have made me want to start blogging again. first and foremost, we moved and now this little space will have to be used to keep in touch with those we left in logan. more on that later. and second, i recently read annie dillard's the writing life. i loved so much about this book and it made me miss writing, even if only about my insignificant little day-to-day activities. for now the quote that i keep coming back to is this:

"One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good...The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you."

how selfish of me to hoard what seems good in my life!

lots of good things have happened to us in the last six months.

mike had a new job opportunity with the same company he had been working for. it seemed promising and exciting but after a few months of thinking it would happen, it fell through. we learned about forgiveness and prayer and patience and that things really do work out but usually not how we expect.

he soon got a better job opportunity with a better company in a new town. we lived apart during the week because his new job was two hours away. that got old. fast. after doing that for a few months, we started looking for a new place to live together and closer to his new job. we got discouraged as we walked through tiny apartments that would cost us more in rent than what we're paying for our house. we waited, searched some more and found a cute little house for rent. it's old but charming with great rounded doorways and windows and a gazebo, not to mention hardwood floors and counter space! oh, the counter space.

we still haven't sold our house, but we here we are: a family again, learning about our new town, driving roads we've never driven, enjoying this beautiful place (have you seen the back side of timpanogas? or strawberry reservoir? it really is beautiful) and feeling a bit like we're just on vacation. some day it will feel like home. until then, we're just happy to be together.

a christmas miracle

i had to order a last minute package yesterday. believe me, i would have ordered it much sooner had i known that i would need it by today.

this package cost us $300, had to be refrigerated as soon as i received it or it would be worthless, and required my signature in order for delivery.

i was promised delivery by noon. i called at 2 with the promise that i would have it by 4. at 4:45 i called again and was told they had until 7 pm, and perhaps until the next morning, to deliver it. this becomes a problem because they were delivering it to my work and no one would be there at 7 pm. if the package wasn't delivered until the next morning, it would be ruined unless it was refrigerated overnight.

the shipping company made it very clear to me that they did not offer "refrigeration services" and there was nothing they could do about my package. their distribution center was closed and they didn't even know where the package was.

i cried. i begged them to re-route it, hold it at their office, tell me where the truck was and i'd pick it up myself. i tried to explain that this package could not be left somewhere overnight. i'm sure the poor lady i was talking to had heard excuses and complaints all day from ornery last-minute shoppers who wanted to know where their gifts were. she kept trying to get me off the phone, saying "i'm very sorry for the inconvenience, but there's nothing i can do about it."

i was clearly not making any headway in my desperate attempt to explain to her that this wasn't a gift and i wasn't just a stressed out last-minute shopper.

thankfully we have a friend who works for the shipping company in ogden but lives here in logan. i called him and explained my dilemma, asking if he knew anything i could do. he just happened to be driving right past the distribution center when i called. it was after 5 and i had already been told that they were closed, but they just happened to still be open. they just happened to have my package there, and they allowed him to pick it up for me so i could get it home.

coincidence?
i think not. it was a tender mercy. silly as it may sound, it was a reminder that the lord hasn't forgotten me.
it was a christmas miracle!

traditions

i have been very lazy with my camera lately, so i have no photos, but we have continued a few traditions this year...

kurt bestor. i think he's incredibly talented, and he has nice hair. i look forward to this concert every year. i also leave every year saying "next year, i'm going to learn to play the trumpet." maybe this will be the year that i follow through on that declaration.

pickleville playhouse. we've seen several of their shows throughout the year. their shows are so entertaining. definitely gets you in the spirit of christmas, and i'm excited to continue this tradition with our kids someday.

the ogden christmas village. i guess it's worth the drive. the company was definitely worth the drive. we took my grandpa with us this year and he was in awe of just about everything we saw: the colored lights on each branch of the trees, the immaculate little houses filled with christmas scenes, even the sidewalk made of pavers. he kept saying, "betty jane would have loved this."

sub for santa. mike and i always enjoy picking out a few gifts for some local elementary school students. this year the school forgot to write down specific sizes, so we had a fun time trying to guess what size of socks and underwear a 7-year-old needs. we are pretty clueless on stuff like that. and on another sub for santa related note: today i wrote an article for work about a sub for santa project we're doing. i received an email back from someone in an office in georgia who read the article and needed clarification of what that meant because in her mind, "a sub is a sandwich." i guess she thought we were giving santa a sandwich?

and of course there's the usual family parties, talent sharing, movie watching, present wrapping, baking & eating and hustling & bustling about. for the first time ever, i was done with my christmas shopping at the beginning of december so the month has been quite enjoyable and stress free.

we need a little christmas!

have you ever really listened to that song? i had never paid much attention to the lyrics but it's one of my favorites this season. anyway, here's a little glimpse at christmas around our house:

1. classic green+red tree. i found the huge ornaments at tai pan and love them. so do my piano students; hopefully the ornaments survive getting pulled off the tree every week
2. i know this nativity freaks some people out because there are no faces, but i love the simplicity of it
3. my grandpa used to paint a new santa claus every year that represented the santa from different countries. i have about 11 different ones, and this one is my favorite
4. be merry!

1. cami mentioned the theme at her house seems to be glitter. that's the same with mine. i love having a little bling :)
2. we don't have a mantle but this shelf seems to work well. i made the stockings and wreath made last year.
3. candy canes purchased in jackson hole
4. this is my favorite picture; my neighbor painted it for me and gave it to us for our wedding. i will always treasure it.

there you have it. stop by cami's blog to see her adorable vintage christmas decorations and her other blogging friends who have shared links. i've already got a list of things i want to make for next year!

do i do it because i like it, or because i haven't been brave?

a few months ago, i was blessed told to have courage.
i thought it was interesting counsel.
honestly, courageous or brave is the last word i'd use to describe myself.
i'm a wuss. a creature of habit. scared to do anything i'm at all uncomfortable with.
courage is faith in action, so is my lack of courage really a lack of faith?
i'm not sure of the answer, but to quote from one of my favorite movies:

"sometimes i wonder about my life.
i lead a small life--
well, valuable,
but small--
and sometimes i wonder,
do i do it because i like it,
or because i haven't been brave?
i don't really want an answer.
i just want to send this cosmic
question out into the void.
so good night,
dear void."