grief (part 1)

i have started and deleted this post a dozen times. i have felt that i need to say something but words still fall short.

it was almost one year ago that i sat in bed next to mike as he sipped blue gatorade. he'd had the flu for a few days but was starting to feel better. we joked about me giving him a sponge bath because he felt too dizzy to take a shower. i was tired; we hadn't slept all week. we didn't want me to get the flu for the babies, so he had slept downstairs a couple nights but that night i offered to sleep downstairs so he could sleep better in the bed. i put socks on his cold feet. i took a sleeping pill. i told him i loved him and would just be downstairs if he needed me.

when i woke up the next morning, i knew instantly that every dream and every plan--the life we had built together--was gone. the one person i love most and was dependent on for everything had been taken and there wasn't a thing i could do. i felt (and still do sometimes) numb and in shock for a while. then the grief set in.

at its worst, grief leaves me debilitated, depressed and despairing. it's isolating and consuming and numbing. it's exhausting and requires constant vigilence to control every thought, because if left to run free, grief has made me want to die.

but at its best, there is something holy about grief. grief refines me. grief teaches me that God chastens those he loves. it has refocused my priorities and directs every choice i make. it leaves me softer, more receptive, more raw and vulnerable. grief increases my capacity to feel.

the Savior said "blessed are those who mourn." i mourn. i grieve. and i am blessed. His grace has been my supply. i am overwhelmed at having tasted even the smallest portion of His mercy and goodness. He continues to create peace through the heartache and hope through the despair.

people often say that their spouse is their better half. if that were true, losing that half would be a clean cut, simply a missing piece. losing mike has been neither of those things. he wasn't my better half; he is what made me whole. he made me who i am through his life and now his death. because of him i know what it means to love and be loved. i know what happiness is. i know what heaven will feel like and i know i want it.

i haven't been cut or severed from him; he is still close and will always be part of our life. but our life, which is now simply "my" life, has been broken and destroyed. someone once described it to me as a glass shattering in a million tiny pieces that can't be put together in the same way again. instead, you have to create a new glass through which to view life.

so i'm trying to create that new glass, relying on God and mike and our huck and fin. these babies make the view pretty sweet.

 

 

 

my life is now before and after. two distinctly different lives. it goes without saying which was better. i'm watching everyone around me carry on with life unaffected while i sit here in shock and thankfully still a little numb. i can't believe that all that's left of my husband are pictures and memories. and soon our miracle babies. i have a lot to say but no way to say it. there are things i want to share and things i'm praying to forget. all in due time, i suppose.

one thing i need to say is THANK YOU. i'm still overwhelmed at how many people have generously reached out to us through donations, phone calls, cards, emails, stopping by with baby gifts, stopping by to share memories of mike...the list goes on and on. thank you to all who have offered prayers and love and support. it hasn't gone unnoticed and i know i've been given strength beyond my own to get through this last month. thank you, thank you.

as someone once wrote, my heart will never be the same but i'm telling myself i'll be ok.

***

the most recent photo of us, taken at my cousin's baby blessing at the end of december

HEBER--Michael Hjorth Kropf, “Goldberg,” returned to his Heavenly Father on Jan. 12, 2013 after unexpectedly passing away from a pulmonary embolism. He was born Oct. 13, 1982 in Logan, UT to Steven and Diane Kropf. He graduated from Mt. Crest High School.

Mike was an Eagle Scout and faithfully served a Spanish-speaking LDS mission in Arcadia, CA. Mike attended Utah State University where he received a degree in Human Resource Mgmt. Mike married Carly Allen in the Logan temple on Oct. 18, 2006. He was the best husband a girl could ask for and leaves behind an adoring wife who is expecting their first children—a boy and girl—due in May. He could hardly wait to be a dad.

He spent his life serving and loving others. He was our quiet giant and lived his life with compassion for everyone. He touched the hearts of all who knew him through his pure, Christ-like personality. He is an active member of the LDS church and served in multple Elder’s Quorom presidencies. He enjoyed hunting birds, playing golf, and all things sports related. He’s an avid USU fan and showed up for games hours early. He loved training and spending time with his dog Coco.

Mike was employed at Delta Stone in Heber City. He previously worked for the Driver’s License Division and Chase Bank in Logan.

Mike is survived by his wife, Carly, his parents, Steven and Diane, brother Jared (Sharon), brother Tim (Carrie), sister Beth (Jeff), and sister Amanda (Quintin). He is also survived by in-laws Gary and Susan Allen of Pleasant View, brother-in-law Drew (Leslie) and sisters-in law Kennedy and Paige.

“Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.”

halfway

today marks 19 weeks of being pregnant, which means we are at least halfway through this pregnancy. for memory's sake, here's one of those cliche pregnancy questionnaires. i'm treating this like it will be our only pregnancy, so i'm trying to savor and remember every bit of it!

surprise or planned pregnancy?
planned, but we were still very surprised. i had really come to terms with having dogs as children and putting all my energy and focus on my husband and my job. a frozen embryo transfer has about a 60% success rate, so we weren't expecting much, let alone expecting TWO. that was a wonderful surprise.

boy or girl? did you have a preference?
one of each! that was/is our preference.

pregnancy symptoms?
food aversions, nausea, heartburn, headaches, forgetfulness (when i told mike this is a symptom of pregnancy, he said, "you are DEFINITELY pregnant.") and generally feeling really lethargic and lazy the first trimester.

your weight gain?
i probably will never answer this question again, but i lost 15 pounds in the first trimester. i've gained most of that back, but i'm still down a few pounds from when we first got pregnant.

your cravings?
i wouldn't say i've had cravings--just the thought of food was enough to make me throw up until recently--but a few things didn't make me throw up: bananas, bagels, bread, and apples. and one food that i don't really like but didn't cause me to dry heave when thinking of eating it: mashed potatoes. we've taken a few too many trips to KFC for mashed potatoes.

best moment of this pregnancy?
hard to pick just one...it was awesome finding out that there are two, "graduating" from our fertility clinic (which we LOVED), hearing their heartbeats, watching them box each other during the ultrasounds, and telling our families.

have you felt the baby move?
no! i am really looking forward to this part. one of my placentas is in front of the babies so the doctor said i probably wouldn't feel anything before 20 weeks, maybe longer.

have you gone shopping yet?
yes, and shopping for a girl and boy is bad news. it's too much fun to shop on both sides of carters!

what are you looking forward to most?
i'm excited to feel them move. i'm excited for labor and delivery, excited to lather them with yummy smelling baby magic, excited for mike to give them a name and a blessing, and looking forward to just holding them in our arms.

for those of you who get lots of the "are you pregnant yet" questions that are more prominent during the holidays, i thought this post was funny!

thanksgiving

we got to have thanksgiving dinner with kennedy this year. we were very excited to have her in utah. we celebrated wednesday night because that was the only night she was allowed to be with us. after stuffing our faces, we got everyone together for a group picture/video...

then mike got so excited/nervous that he pushed the pause button on the camera. but what he said was "on the count of three, everybody say cheese. 1...2....carly's pregnant!"

 

and here are the reactions we got:

 

 

then he realized he pushed pause and started recording again...

 

 and in case you can't hear, he said "oh, and there's more news...it's two."

 

so yes...we have more than ever to be thankful for this year! i am 17 weeks and due may 11, but will likely deliver in april, just a couple of weeks before we finish building our house. life is about to get really awesome around here.

 

while i am so excited i can hardly stand it, my heart hurts because i know some of you are praying for the same miracle. i'm praying for you too. i'm so sorry if this announcement brings pain or sadness. i've been there, and i don't think i'll soon forget what infertility feels like. you are not alone, and i know God will answer your prayer in His own time and His own way just as he has ours.

 

6 years

six years ago today, mike and i sat at pizza plus in hyrum eating greasy pizza and the most amazing cheese bread. (probably not the most figure friendly meal to eat when i had to fit in a wedding dress the next day. don't judge.) i had to go to logan to pick up my wedding dress which meant we were in the same town with an hour to spare before i had to help set up for the reception and before he had to set up for the luncheon.

it was kind of surreal sitting there. it felt like we shouldn't have time to be so relaxed--just the two of us enjoying a quiet dinner the night before our wedding. i had a similar surreal feeling the next morning as we sat together in the temple: can this be real? and i've had the same feeling so many times since that day six years ago. how did i get so lucky? how is it that this is my life?

in those moments, i say a prayer of thanks to God and tell my husband how wonderful he is. without getting too sentimental, cheesy, or cliche, i just have to say that i never imagined being married would be this great.

ordinary, every day world

i loved molly's blog post. i don't always express gratitude for how beautiful the ordinary really is, and i'm not great at documenting it. so here are some things i love that have become our ordinary world right now:

~our neighbors. across the street, we have two revival churches of sorts. they sing and preach in spanish so i never know what they are saying, but i tell you they have some exciting worship meetings. i love tuesday and friday evenings when their tuba shakes our walls. our neighbors on both sides of our house are two of the sweetest ladies you'll ever meet. they are the best of friends. joann picks ella up 2 or 3 times a week just to get her out of the house. they go to mcdonald's for a coke, arby's for a milkshake, and KFC for the tuesday $2.99 special. they go to the dollar store, wal-mart, and are both quite fond of chuck-a-rama. it's great coming home at the same time they do and listening to their adventures from the day.

~our long grass. sure it looks like a jungle and coco gets lost in it, but it's nice not really stressing about yard work.

~the grocery store. it's a different experience shopping in our little town. no one is in a hurry. customer service is seriously lacking. the shelves are picked over if you go after 11 am, and we have the lamest wal-mart known to mankind. but for some odd reason, i've become fond of this quirky place.

~fall. it's the best season. the colors this year are incredible. i'm feeling like cooking again. and we are loving fall TV: parenthood and new girl (and of course lots of football.)

~coco messing up the rug and sliding across the floor when she hears mike's car pull in. she just can't contain her excitement!

our days are as ordinary as they come. wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean up, watch tv, repeat. i feel blessed to have this routine. it means we have jobs and income. it means we have food to eat and a bed to sleep in. more importantly, it means we have someone to come home to, and that's something i don't take for granted.

in a nutshell, august was pretty great. it seemed to be the fullest month of the summer for us.

we explored the natural history museum of utah. maybe this is weird but my favorite part was the view. and checking out the pervious pavement/amazing concrete work.

friends visited from out of town. we may have spent most of our lunch in tears as we talked about what we've all been through this summer. i think this lunch was needed for all of us; i definitely had a perspective shift after talking. 

we toured the parade of homes in salt lake. i convinced mike that we're going to have white kitchen cabinets in our next house. i also convinced him that we need a barn door somewhere in the house.

we took a final summer trip to the cabin. it was a quick weekend trip, but we caught up on season 7 of 24, dined at the grizzly bar, and spent a day in big sky.

i'm pretty glad that this summer is over and more than happy to welcome a new season--yay for football, long drives, cool air and cooking up deliciousness in the kitchen.

waiting is what we do...when we are looking for an end to our sorrow

summer reading

i've read some great books this summer. here are my favorites:

#1: Alice Ozma, The Reading Promise

my dad gave me this book which makes it extra meaningful. the book is about a promise alice made with her dad to read aloud together every day from the time she was nine until her first day of college. what an accomplishment!

she writes, "We called it The Reading Streak, but it was really more of a promise. A promise to each other, a promise to ourselves. A promise to always be there and to never give up. It was a promise of hope in hopeless times. It was a promise of comfort when things got uncomfortable. And we kept our promise to each other. But more than that, it was a promise to the world: a promise to remember the power of the printed word, to take time to cherish it, to protect it at all costs. He promised to explain, to anyone and everyone he meets, the life-changing ability literature can have. He promised to fight for it. So that’s what he’s doing."

this is a sweet read about the relationship between a dad, a daughter, and their books. you'll finish it with the belief that books are essential for a parent/child relationship. while my dad and i didn't make it eight years of reading together every day, he made reading with me a priority and this book reaffirmed how lucky i am that he did.

#2: Pat Conroy, My Reading Life

i'm fascinated by books authors write about writing (and in this case, reading). i know that nearly every author tries to de-romantacize his profession, but still, there's something unduly romantic about the life of a writer. my favorite chapters are the ones about his mother's love of gone with the wind and the English teacher who "pointed him onto the path of letters." several times conroy states that books saved his life; his books make you believe that is true.

favorite lines:

*writing is the only way i have to explain my own life to myself.

*i reach for a story to save my own life.

*turn me into something else, writers of the world. tell me everything i must know. hold nothing back.

*the most powerful words in english are "tell me a story."

and saving the best for last....

#3: John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

this novel did exactly what conroy believes a novel should: changed my life, turned me into something else, left me changed.

it is incredible.

i don't really know what else to say about it. i cried and cried and cried some more. any summary i try to offer will do the book injustice. it's worth the read and might just leave you a better person. the writing is witty, tragic, hopeful, honest, and downright brilliant.

favorite lines....(all images from pinterest)





















*the fault, dear brutus, is not in our stars / but in ourselves...there is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars.

*it seemed like forever ago, like we'd had this brief but still infinite forever. some infinities are bigger than other infirmities.

*it's hard as hell to hold on to your dignity when the risen sun is too bright in your losing eyes.

*grief does not change you, it reveals you.

what else would add? what are your must-reads this summer?

sun valley 2012

hard to believe the annual excursion to sun valley has already come and gone.

we look forward to this trip every year.

it's a family reunion of sorts mixed in with games, swimming, ice staking, eating, golfing, walking, shopping, late night chatting, biking, and making memories.

my grandparents are two of the most generous people i know, and i'm thankful that they make this trip possible.

third time's the charm

we got the best news ever while vacationing last week: we finally sold our house!

as stressful as it was to own a house we weren't living in, it had become our safety net to the place and people we love. i felt that as long as we had our house in logan, we might move back. now that it's not ours (and will be used as a rental property, sad), i've been nostalgic about all the things that did and didn't happen in our very first home.

it was the place where i learned how to cook and enjoy it. it's the place where i found yard work to be a little more enjoyable than ever before and learned firsthand how difficult it is to keep the grass green. we learned what it's like to have caring, friendly, wonderful neighbors. we put up christmas lights. we painted. we planted. we raised a puppy with only minimal damage to the floor. i held piano recitals and hosted a wedding shower. we cleaned out a flooded basement, twice. our weekends weren't complete without a trip to home depot. our house was small and it was old, but we took a lot of pride in the place we called home.

we never hosted that neighborhood BBQ we talked about. we never tore off the wheat wallpaper in the laundry room. we never replaced the awful linoleum floor or the stair coco tore up. and of course we had big plans for the second bedroom that didn't quite pan out.

i am relieved beyond words that we sold it--yay for only one monthly rent payment! i'm excited to start house hunting for something that we plan to stay in for a LONG time. but i'm also a little bit sad that the logan chapter of our life is closed. logan was so good to us.

the brethren

mike has a great group of friends from high school. they refer to themselves as "the brethren." only a couple are still in logan and some are as far away as south dakota, but everyone was able to get together over the weekend for brats and burgers and catching up. it really is a wonder these boys all turned out so well when you listen to their stories from way back when: lighting things on fire, creating havoc at school, tipping over golf carts, etc... i guess it's a testament to their awesome wives :) actually, each of them does have a great better half who have also become my dear friends. it was 8 years ago when i first met them, and when emily gave me a brand new tooth brush and a place to sleep the first time i met her, i had an idea that we'd be friends for a long time.

###

Favorite scripture read last week: "and we talk of christ, we rejoice in christ, we preach of christ, we prophesy of christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." -2 nephi 25:26

the last couple of weeks have been interesting in regards to persecution because of what i believe...so much anger and judgment and  misunderstanding. while we all have different beliefs and different ways of showing our convictions, i believe the root of christian doctrine is the same. jesus is the christ. he is the savior of our souls. it is in christ that we rejoice and in christ  that we find redemption.

birthday girl

the fam got together this weekend to celebrate paige's 14th birthday. while we were planning to go miniature golfing, the rain had other plans. no complaints here--the cooler air has been heavenly and has me so excited for fall. anyway. instead of golfing we stayed close to home which meant taking pictures of ourselves and jack, because really, is there anything cuter?

happy birthday paige!

 

 

the little exploder that could

driving down I-15 at 10 pm on the fourth of july is a great way to experience fireworks. we could see dozens of little shows going on from ogden to park city.

we made a quick trip to logan for the fourth. we had to pick up coco who had been enjoying the last week chasing chickens and ducks at my in-laws. along the way, we stopped to say hello to my grandpa and checked on our vacant house. the grass is dying. the annuals (or is it perennials?) i planted years ago are dying and overgrown with weeds, and the back yard? our neighbors sprayed the weeds for fear they would overtake their garden, which was probably a good idea. we've had the house under contract twice with no luck of selling it yet. this week we have shown it to two people who really liked it and received one way too low offer. we are crossing our fingers that we can sell it this year. pretty please let one of them buy it!

we also got to pick up my car which has been in the shop for the last month. the transmission went out a few weeks ago. who would have thought that the 95 explorer--broken doors, no speakers, rattling at 50 mph and now no a/c--would outlast my newer and supposedly "nicer" car? we have lovingly named it the little exploder that could.

it's been kind of fun living with just one car as we wait for the insurance company to find a transmission to fix mine. my favorite part is that mike and i have been driving to and from work together. i drop him off and every day he has some new comment to make fun of our situation. "just drop me off at the corner. i don't want my friends seeing you drop me off" and "can you take me early today? i really want to play with my friends before work." i'm glad that he laughs at us. i love that rather than complaining or stressing out about it, he chooses to laugh and joke and make light of the fact that i'm his chauffeur for a while. i don't mind being his chauffer, and luckily he doesn't mind too much, either.

##

spiritual enlightenment for the day: "and he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. most gladly therefore will i rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of christ may rest upon me." [2 cor. 12:9]

in this great talk by brad wilcox, he states: "Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.

Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher's touch."

saint george

we had a fun weekend away in st. george with my family.

highlights of the trip:

*driving through a smoky but beautiful sunset. it made me so sad to see the mountain burning.

*playing in the pool

*jack's swimming suit, sunglasses and adorable hat

*playing catch phrase. "what comes out of a milk's utter?" and "this is something you do in gym class..." were our favorite clues

*kennedy and paige trying on the most stylish one piece ensembles 

*farmer's market at tuacahn

*a smiling camel named jorge

*driving home with no a/c

it's awesome how a few days of vacation can send you home feeling like a completely different person. we are both feeling much better than we were when we left.

breathe.

image on my pinterest here

i am breathing. and considering the hell we've been through the last few weeks, i don't care if it's the only thing i've done all day. yesterday our doctor asked if we're ready to try again. can he really be asking that? have the shots and appointments and blood draws and retrieval and fertilization and freezing and embryos and the heartbeat and the miscarriage already come and gone? he told me to take a deep breath. all i can do is keep breathing.

i'm trying to just let myself feel right now instead of pushing it all aside, and i feel like i let people down. i feel stupid for telling anyone about IVF and for telling a select few that it worked. i feel stupid for thinking it would work and at one point thinking there might be two babies cooking. i feel stupid for getting excited, making future plans, dreaming of names and a nursery. i feel sad and discouraged. i am bereft.

but in the moments of my deepest sorrow, i have also felt the most intense gratitude and humility. i am incredibly thankful that for 8 short weeks, i was pregnant. i was pregnant! i am thankful we heard a heartbeat; it's worth fighting for. i'm thankful we can keep fighting. i'm thankful for my husband. as cliche as it sounds, he's the reason i get out of bed each day. i'm thankful for our doctor and a wonderful staff of nurses who are rooting for us. it's refreshing to have a doctor who knows what we've been through, reads our chart, knows our names and cares as much as we do. i'm thankful for his optimism that using our "second string" of embryos, we can achieve a healthy pregnancy.

i'm also thankful to God for showing His hand through all of this and for inspiring so many to reach out to us through cards, notes, and flowers. i'm thankful He inspired my friend Taylee to send me these verses of scripture. while this has been a time to weep, a time to heal, and a time to break down, i know that God will build us up so we can laugh, dance, and feel peace again. He will make everything beautiful in His time.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,11

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.

tomorrow will be kinder

this song...i cannot get enough! and it's true. today was SO much kinder than yesterday.

another college graduate

then: annika's birthday, 1992

now: the moving away dinner, summer 2011

 my other BFF annika also graduated from college this year. she's pretty much super woman: raising the cutest baby (who's not so much a baby anymore), being a homemaker/wife/decorator/re-modeler extraordinaire and getting a degree all at the same time. last night we met up to celebrate her graduation and our birthdays over lobster bisque, salad and sandwiches. we shared secrets. we talked about our five year plans. we remembered what life was like when we looked like this and spent our summers playing night games, barbies and trying to safely roller blade down my "steep" driveway.

i drove home feeling so thankful for friends who inspire me to better. i've really been blessed with some of the best friends around. 

the master graduate

my dear friend erin graduated from the U last week with her master's degree. we drove up over the weekend to congratulate her and enjoy a celebration BBQ. we did what we do best--eat, laugh, talk about the dogs, and reminisce about our beanie baby days. erin and i took beanie babies seriously. we mailed each other packages full of letters each month as part of our "beanie baby club" commitment.

it was great to be with my second family again. my dad and brian have been friends forever so it seems erin and i have too, although we still have about 20 years to go until we catch up with them. hopefully our friendship will last just as long so we can drag our kids to the christmas lights, hardware ranch, island park, and st. george to continue on the traditions started by our dads.

ps, i love the picture of christin and my dad. she thought she was being sneaky stealing my dad's chair but he got her back by sneaking a little ice down her shirt. typical christin and typical response from my dad.

infertility awareness week

it's national infertility awareness week.

it took me a while to open up about our infertility. i figured if i never talked about it, it wasn't real. i also worried that i would become defined by infertility if i told anyone about it, and i didn't want that. i have come to realize that infertility does not have the power to take away who you are: your kindness, your happiness, your smile and your laughter. it's a choice and almost every day for the last 5 years i have chosen not to let infertility define who i am or take away my happiness.

we've had some pretty funny times because of our infertility, including that one time when...

-a very expensive bill for a certain test which you normally wouldn't tell anyone about was sent to mike's parents instead of us. what a fun conversation to have with the in-laws!

-an awkward technician once smiled and said, "oh honey, this shot is MUCH too big for your arm." i felt like responding as steve martin might, saying, "do i! know! you!?

-that same awkward technician opened the door on two seperate occasions while i was still getting ready for an ultrasound. so basically i was standing there with my pants off and he walked in. twice. ever heard of knocking?

-we went to our first appointment with a new specialist last year and his nurse, seriously lacking personality, completed her routine check list of questions and in the most monotone and unconcerned voice asked me, "do you feel threatened by anyone around you." mike looked at me and said, "don't you dare answer that." i don't think the nurse even noticed, but i had a hard time keeping a straight face.

so infertility isn't all bad! it's funny and awkward and humbling and everything in between.

i plan to check in later this week for one more post. in the mean time, check out this article for ways to have fun during national infertility awareness week.