waiting is what we do...when we are looking for an end to our sorrow

summer reading

i've read some great books this summer. here are my favorites:

#1: Alice Ozma, The Reading Promise

my dad gave me this book which makes it extra meaningful. the book is about a promise alice made with her dad to read aloud together every day from the time she was nine until her first day of college. what an accomplishment!

she writes, "We called it The Reading Streak, but it was really more of a promise. A promise to each other, a promise to ourselves. A promise to always be there and to never give up. It was a promise of hope in hopeless times. It was a promise of comfort when things got uncomfortable. And we kept our promise to each other. But more than that, it was a promise to the world: a promise to remember the power of the printed word, to take time to cherish it, to protect it at all costs. He promised to explain, to anyone and everyone he meets, the life-changing ability literature can have. He promised to fight for it. So that’s what he’s doing."

this is a sweet read about the relationship between a dad, a daughter, and their books. you'll finish it with the belief that books are essential for a parent/child relationship. while my dad and i didn't make it eight years of reading together every day, he made reading with me a priority and this book reaffirmed how lucky i am that he did.

#2: Pat Conroy, My Reading Life

i'm fascinated by books authors write about writing (and in this case, reading). i know that nearly every author tries to de-romantacize his profession, but still, there's something unduly romantic about the life of a writer. my favorite chapters are the ones about his mother's love of gone with the wind and the English teacher who "pointed him onto the path of letters." several times conroy states that books saved his life; his books make you believe that is true.

favorite lines:

*writing is the only way i have to explain my own life to myself.

*i reach for a story to save my own life.

*turn me into something else, writers of the world. tell me everything i must know. hold nothing back.

*the most powerful words in english are "tell me a story."

and saving the best for last....

#3: John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

this novel did exactly what conroy believes a novel should: changed my life, turned me into something else, left me changed.

it is incredible.

i don't really know what else to say about it. i cried and cried and cried some more. any summary i try to offer will do the book injustice. it's worth the read and might just leave you a better person. the writing is witty, tragic, hopeful, honest, and downright brilliant.

favorite lines....(all images from pinterest)





















*the fault, dear brutus, is not in our stars / but in ourselves...there is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars.

*it seemed like forever ago, like we'd had this brief but still infinite forever. some infinities are bigger than other infirmities.

*it's hard as hell to hold on to your dignity when the risen sun is too bright in your losing eyes.

*grief does not change you, it reveals you.

what else would add? what are your must-reads this summer?

pursuit of happiness

"now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." --guillaume apollinaire

maybe it's the spring air, the extra hours of sunshine or simply the fact that we are two days from april (which is either going to become my favorite month ever or the worst month ever)--but around here we're just feeling very happy.

and maybe i will start each of my days the same way as this cute curly girl to keep the happy vibes going:




enjoy the weekend!

an outpouring of everything good

if this lovely little letter doesn't get you in the valentines mood, i don't know what will. my two favorite lines: [love] is an outpouring of everything good in you and nothing good gets away.

JOHN E. STEINBECK
A Letter to His Son
New York
10 November 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa
 
found here.

this weekend i:

washed and ironed our sheets (i'm turning in to my mother!),
made bread,
met stacie+stratton for dinner in park city,
wandered the aisles of world market where we purchased the most delicious hazelnut pirouettes,
played settlers with new friends,
reminded myself how to play the organ,

and through these simple events, i was reminded of Paolo Coelho's quote: "Our daily tasks are also our divine tasks. And God is there."

if i just stop and listen, if i pay attention, He is there.
He is here.

thankful

i love this thought. thankful = happy.

+i am thankful for my husband and that we are living under the same roof again.
+i am thankful for my grandpa, who has always been an example to me of enduring to the end and simply being happy and thankful, regardless of his circumstance.
+i am thankful for the opportunity to fast for others and see the results.
+i am thankful for our jobs.
+i am thankful that while the sale fell through on our house, the (ex) buyer's earnest money will help pay for the water heater we replaced for her.
+i am thankful for friends who "get it."
+i am thankful for old journals.
+i am thankful for the puppy who is easily entertained by frolicking around with a bobby pin.
+i am thankful for my sisters.

this is going to be the best thanksgiving ever. just sayin.

sunday notes

mike and i spoke in church on sunday. mike gave a beautiful talk about developing charity in the home, and i spoke about how simple acts of kindness can help us overcome personal afflictions. every other lesson seemed to tie back to having patience, love and charity in all things. i took lots of notes.

"no pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. it ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. all that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure in patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable." -orson f. whitney

2 Cor. 1:3-4: one reason for our suffering is to offer comfort to those around us. because the Savior has experienced everything and comforts us, we  must in turn comfort others.

"if we are thinking only of ourselves, we may miss some of the most powerful spiritual experiences and profound revelations of our lives. by becoming the answer to someone's prayer, we often find the answer to our own." -president uchtdorf

Moro. 7:45-47 lists the attributes of charity. 4 of the 13 attirubes relate to patience: suffereth long, beareth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things

simple goodness

we finished watching the last episode of friday night lights tonight. we started with season 1 in may and by the end of august we finished season 5. appropriate way to end the summer, i think.

i cried through the whole episode. mike claims his eyes were red because of his contacts (yeah right) but i'm sure he cried, too. he rolled his eyes and asked, "how many times have you seen this episode? and why are you crying?" i've only seen it twice. okay three times. and i was crying because that's what i do, and because it is the most brilliantly written and acted tv show.

as one writer put it, "the reason we love this show: we learn that we can, in our daily lives, live with integrity and openness to whatever the world offers us; that it is better to live with an open heart that allows us to believe in the possibiliy of an impossibly long pass, and the love of two people that endures no matter what; that the love of a show about football and Texas has nothing to do with football or Texas, and is instead about the potential each of us has to be normal, regular, incredible people. the show models a type of living and a kind of human purpose that we instinctively want to be around: simple goodness."

so on this first day of september, i'm thinking about simple goodness. i'm thinking about the potential we each have to be normal, regular, incredible people. i'm thinking that we have every reason to believe in the possibility of an impossibly long pass.

and if that's not enough to leave you feeling inspired and wanting more, i've got two words for you: tim riggins. that's all.

i'm baaaack

hello friends! i've had a nice little blogging break, but i want to feel good about writing on this public space again so i'm going to give it a shot.

several things have made me want to start blogging again. first and foremost, we moved and now this little space will have to be used to keep in touch with those we left in logan. more on that later. and second, i recently read annie dillard's the writing life. i loved so much about this book and it made me miss writing, even if only about my insignificant little day-to-day activities. for now the quote that i keep coming back to is this:

"One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good...The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you."

how selfish of me to hoard what seems good in my life!

lots of good things have happened to us in the last six months.

mike had a new job opportunity with the same company he had been working for. it seemed promising and exciting but after a few months of thinking it would happen, it fell through. we learned about forgiveness and prayer and patience and that things really do work out but usually not how we expect.

he soon got a better job opportunity with a better company in a new town. we lived apart during the week because his new job was two hours away. that got old. fast. after doing that for a few months, we started looking for a new place to live together and closer to his new job. we got discouraged as we walked through tiny apartments that would cost us more in rent than what we're paying for our house. we waited, searched some more and found a cute little house for rent. it's old but charming with great rounded doorways and windows and a gazebo, not to mention hardwood floors and counter space! oh, the counter space.

we still haven't sold our house, but we here we are: a family again, learning about our new town, driving roads we've never driven, enjoying this beautiful place (have you seen the back side of timpanogas? or strawberry reservoir? it really is beautiful) and feeling a bit like we're just on vacation. some day it will feel like home. until then, we're just happy to be together.

do i do it because i like it, or because i haven't been brave?

a few months ago, i was blessed told to have courage.
i thought it was interesting counsel.
honestly, courageous or brave is the last word i'd use to describe myself.
i'm a wuss. a creature of habit. scared to do anything i'm at all uncomfortable with.
courage is faith in action, so is my lack of courage really a lack of faith?
i'm not sure of the answer, but to quote from one of my favorite movies:

"sometimes i wonder about my life.
i lead a small life--
well, valuable,
but small--
and sometimes i wonder,
do i do it because i like it,
or because i haven't been brave?
i don't really want an answer.
i just want to send this cosmic
question out into the void.
so good night,
dear void."

i delight in hope

dr laura got me thinking the other day when she told a caller that hope is just delayed disappointment. i guess this could be true if we hope in certain situations or even certain people, but if we add "in christ" to the end of it, hope is anything but delayed disappointment.

elder faust said, "there are tremendous sources of hope beyond our own ability, learning, strength, and capacity. hope is the anchor of our souls. hope is trust in god's promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future."

god has promised that "whose believeth in [me] might with surety hope for a better world."

i love the promise from god that if we believe in him and his son, we can always hope for something better. wrongs will one day be made right, things will work out, and when we can't believe that or possibly see how, we must put our hope and trust in god. god's promises to us will be fulfilled.

perhaps

perhaps i'm being selfish.

perhaps the thing i want most has consumed me and confused me and upset me so much that now i'm just being selfish.
perhaps i want the wrong thing and perhaps i want something i can't have.
perhaps i should stop putting "all my eggs in one basket," but i honestly don't feel strong enough to start perusing a different path right now. i don't know if i am strong enough.
perhaps jonathon safran foer was on to something when he wrote, "I tried the key in all the doors, even though he said he didn’t recognize it. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, because I did. It’s that at the end of my search I wanted to be able to say: I don’t know how I could have tried harder."

and perhaps i just need to keep trying harder,
taking all the turns down the road i'm on before doing a u-turn,
exhausting all the options so that i can one day say, i don't know how i could have tried harder.

perhaps.

Amid the vastness of God's creations, His personal shaping influence is felt in the details of our lives, not only in the details of the galaxies and molecules but, much more importantly, in the details of our own lives. Somehow God is providing individual tutorials for us...it is marvelous that He attends to us so personally.

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.

'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.

thank you, jacki, for introducing me to the blog where i found this incredible poem. it was just what i needed today.

"Christ's Atonement elevates us on our best days and comforts and heals us on our worst days."

-David Vandagriff, I Need Thee Every Hour

i bought this book because it has a pretty cover. and because i love the title. it was a good thing i judged this book by its cover; it was incredible. i have marked and highlighted and flagged something on nearly every page of the book. some books on the Atonement feel so heavy and overwhelming. this book simply discusses our day-to-day difficulties and how the Atonement not only gets us through, but helps us become better. if you're looking for an uplifting read (or a mother's day gift), this book is a great choice.

a lovely thought

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

-Marianne Williamson

3 down, 70 to go

what i can't see is how i'm ever gonna love you more,

but i've said that before.

now you're my whole life,

now you're my whole world...

we'll look back someday

at this moment that we're in,

and i'll look at you and say,

and i thought i loved you then.

make an autumn wish

the woods are full of fairies,
the sea is full of fish,
the trees are full of golden leaves,
let's make an autumn wish.

i'm wishing....
+for this canvas, found here

+that jalepeno poppers from arbys were healthy.

+that our stupid dog could not escape from her kennel. i wish she could entertain herself without finding shoes to destroy, floors to chew on, and small holes to stick her head through.

+for one of these lovely journals

+for plane tickets to new york and broadway tickets to bye bye birdie. uncle jesse as mr. albert peterson? yes please.
+for a shopping spree to suppose.

+for this washer and dryer-

+for these adorable baby shoes, found here. and perhaps for a baby to put in them.

a girl can wish, right? what are you wishing for?

a new favorite quote that i've added to the sidebar...

fear less.

hope more.

eat less.

chew more.

sigh less.

breathe more.

hate less.

love more

and all good things are yours.

what good things do you wish were yours?

two in one

Finished with 2 books that I must post about because they were both wonderful.

First, Anna Karenina. I read the Pevear and Volokhonsky translation and recommend it, I’ve heard it’s one of the best.

My complaints:
1) Sections of the book seemed to drag on and on and on. I had a really hard time caring about Russian farming and the politics of being in a government position and the Slavs and so I skipped over a lot of pages.
2) Anna Karenina. She drove me crazy. She was extremely selfish and I wanted to hit her for basically every decision she made throughout the book, especially concerning her son. I hated how she professed how much she loved him but acted the opposite.

What I liked:
Despite Anna's selfishness, she was a complex and well-written character. All of his characters were complex and unpredictable and real. Tolstoy takes you right into the lives of people (thank heavens I had a list of characters in the front of my book because it was hard to keep them all apart and they all have at least 3 names plus a nickname). But you experience a lot through these characters: death, love, relationships, affairs, religion, faith, arguments, marriage, pretty much everything that is important in the grand scheme of things. I loved that.

It wasn’t an easy 800 pages to get through but it was worth it.

Favorite Quotes:
"For me there is only one thing – your love."
"Her love outweighed all that is good in life."
"He understood not only that she was close to him, but that he no longer knew where she ended and he began."
"Good is outside the chain of cause and effect."
"The place where she stood seemed to him a holy shrine, unapproachable, and there was one moment when he was almost retreating, so overwhelmed was he with terror. He walked down, for a long while avoiding looking at her as at the sun, but seeing her, as one does the sun, without looking."
"What doubt can you have of the Creator when you behold His creation?"
"When you love someone, you love the whole person, as they are, and not as you’d like them to be."
And one of my favorites because I hate when when people think they deserve respect without having to earn it, "Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be."

Mike was getting a little worried about me reading books that largely revolved around divorce or affairs, so I decided for some lighter reading once I finished AK. I started Marley & Me about 2 weeks ago and finished today. It was a quick read, highly entertaining, and filled with little life gems. It was sad, which I knew from watching the movie. We always had dogs growing up, and now that we have our own dog, I loved the message about how influential animals are. They really become part of the family.

Favorite Quotes:
"in every dog owner's life a few cherished family heirlooms must fall" [my wedding ring almost became a fallen heriloom which at the time wasn't very funny]
"no matter how complicated life became, he reminded me of its simple joys. no matter how many demands were placed on me, he never let me forget that willful disobedience is sometimes worth the price."
"he was part of our family, and, for all his flaws, he had returned our affection one hundredfold. devotion such as his could not be bought for any price."
"in a dog's life, some plaster would fall, some cushions would open, some rugs would shred. like any relationship, this one had its costs. we could have bought a small yacht with what we spent on our dog and all the things he destroyed. then again, how many yachts wait by the door all day for your return?"
"he taught us what really matters in life. loyalty. courage. devotion. simplicity. joy. and the things that did not matter, too. a dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. status symbols mean nothing to him. give him your heart, and he will give you his."
"he was a central player in some of the happiest chapters of our lives."

we love our crazy little coco!