my life is now before and after. two distinctly different lives. it goes without saying which was better. i'm watching everyone around me carry on with life unaffected while i sit here in shock and thankfully still a little numb. i can't believe that all that's left of my husband are pictures and memories. and soon our miracle babies. i have a lot to say but no way to say it. there are things i want to share and things i'm praying to forget. all in due time, i suppose.

one thing i need to say is THANK YOU. i'm still overwhelmed at how many people have generously reached out to us through donations, phone calls, cards, emails, stopping by with baby gifts, stopping by to share memories of mike...the list goes on and on. thank you to all who have offered prayers and love and support. it hasn't gone unnoticed and i know i've been given strength beyond my own to get through this last month. thank you, thank you.

as someone once wrote, my heart will never be the same but i'm telling myself i'll be ok.

***

the most recent photo of us, taken at my cousin's baby blessing at the end of december

HEBER--Michael Hjorth Kropf, “Goldberg,” returned to his Heavenly Father on Jan. 12, 2013 after unexpectedly passing away from a pulmonary embolism. He was born Oct. 13, 1982 in Logan, UT to Steven and Diane Kropf. He graduated from Mt. Crest High School.

Mike was an Eagle Scout and faithfully served a Spanish-speaking LDS mission in Arcadia, CA. Mike attended Utah State University where he received a degree in Human Resource Mgmt. Mike married Carly Allen in the Logan temple on Oct. 18, 2006. He was the best husband a girl could ask for and leaves behind an adoring wife who is expecting their first children—a boy and girl—due in May. He could hardly wait to be a dad.

He spent his life serving and loving others. He was our quiet giant and lived his life with compassion for everyone. He touched the hearts of all who knew him through his pure, Christ-like personality. He is an active member of the LDS church and served in multple Elder’s Quorom presidencies. He enjoyed hunting birds, playing golf, and all things sports related. He’s an avid USU fan and showed up for games hours early. He loved training and spending time with his dog Coco.

Mike was employed at Delta Stone in Heber City. He previously worked for the Driver’s License Division and Chase Bank in Logan.

Mike is survived by his wife, Carly, his parents, Steven and Diane, brother Jared (Sharon), brother Tim (Carrie), sister Beth (Jeff), and sister Amanda (Quintin). He is also survived by in-laws Gary and Susan Allen of Pleasant View, brother-in-law Drew (Leslie) and sisters-in law Kennedy and Paige.

“Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.”

6 years

six years ago today, mike and i sat at pizza plus in hyrum eating greasy pizza and the most amazing cheese bread. (probably not the most figure friendly meal to eat when i had to fit in a wedding dress the next day. don't judge.) i had to go to logan to pick up my wedding dress which meant we were in the same town with an hour to spare before i had to help set up for the reception and before he had to set up for the luncheon.

it was kind of surreal sitting there. it felt like we shouldn't have time to be so relaxed--just the two of us enjoying a quiet dinner the night before our wedding. i had a similar surreal feeling the next morning as we sat together in the temple: can this be real? and i've had the same feeling so many times since that day six years ago. how did i get so lucky? how is it that this is my life?

in those moments, i say a prayer of thanks to God and tell my husband how wonderful he is. without getting too sentimental, cheesy, or cliche, i just have to say that i never imagined being married would be this great.

what it's like

this weekend was pretty great and typical for the weekends we enjoy as a family of two (plus a dog). maybe one day i'll have a hard time remembering what it was like with only two. for memories' sake, this is what it's like:

+weekend trips to logan

+coco taking up the whole back seat of the car and all her stuff filling up the trunk
+barbeques with the family wherein i can enjoy laughing, eating, playing with the other babies and only occasionally worry about keeping the dog away from the chickens

+waking up for church with plenty of time to spare and still showing up late. i am always late even though i only have myself to get ready

+staying up until 2 am watching prison break

+sleeping in until 10:30
+eating corn dogs and nachos for sunday dinner
+day trips to park city

+splurging on a new coat that i really didn't need

we did a little laboring over the weekend, too, and we have 20 pints of salsa to show for it. yay for being domestic!

the giggles

last night i was mid-sneeze, taking in the big "ah ahhhh" right before the "choo," and mike slammed the bedroom door shut which scared me so bad that my sneeze went away. conmpletely disappeared. he thought it was so funny that he randomly opened and closed our bedroom door for half the night, hoping to scare a sneeze out of me or make me forget about my allergies or something.

then we got laughing so hard that suddently everything was funny. coco's snoring. the window air conditioner. my sleep talking about gathering 137 pine needles for the wedding. mike's snoring which sounds exactly like the neigh of a horse. we decided to talk to each other only in rhymes, and we got really good at making every word rhyme with whatever the last person had said.

as i laid there laughing, i felt so content. i was really happy about my life right now: just me, my husband and our crazy coco, living in a cute little house with dry grass full of morning glory.

i could not ask for more.

the graduate

he did it! i'm so proud of my hubby who is a first-generation college graduate. he has worked hard to get here. we tried to drag out the celebrations over a couple weekends. last weekend, amanda hosted a get together with all the kropfs and we were glad to have bethie and jacki there. last night, my parents treated us to dinner at maddox, and tonight we have one final shin dig to finish off the parties. way to go, mike. sure am proud of ya ;)

there's something about a man named michael that makes my heart swoon.

both this one:

and this one:

i would gladly fork out $100 to see him in concert again. he puts on the best concert. he is so entertaining, humble (you can read more about that here), and his voice is amazing. my favorite may have been this song:

he made a comment that the hardest songs to hear/sing are often the ones that touch us the most. how true that is; music has a way of saying something that can't be said any other way. he closed the show by taking out his ear piece and singing the final song with no microphone- just him standing in the middle of the stage and belting it out. my mom, kennedy, and i had a grand time.

the "coughs" go to salt lake

please excuse my lame title. but i just realized that my last name sounds a lot like cough. i guess two weeks of dayquil, robitussin, and cough drops will do that to you. but i can't help but wonder...if my last name were spelled krough, would people have an easier time spelling and saying it?

anyway. i gave mike tickets on his birthday way back in october to see brian regan this weekend. we had been looking forward to it for months, and were planning to go to park city and spend a couple days with bethie and jacki after the show. however, mike got sick last thursday and i got sick on sunday and we have both been miserably sick. coughing nonstop. no voice. terrible headaches. but we couldn't cancel our tickets or hotel reservations so we went anyway. we had a great time. brian regan is hilarious. i coughed through the whole show because i couldn't stop laughing. they say laughter is the best medicine, and it was :)

this is one of my favorite bits of his.

love day

it felt like we celebrated this fun little holiday all weekend. we played a homemade version of the newlywed game with friends on friday night. it was quite funny trying to match answers with the husband and finally getting him to answer the question, what's your favorite meal that your wife cooks? his answer: chimichangas. (my guess: calzones) good to know what his favorite is, because he will never answer that question when i ask him. we also played "i've never" and learned all sorts of fun things about each other.

for our date on saturday, we planned on eating at texas roadhouse, but when we called at 5 pm the wait was 2 hours! who wants to wait 2 hours for dinner? not i. so we ate at bajio instead, which in my opinion is just as good as texas roadhouse. then we went to a play done by pickleville playhouse called the hanging of el bandito. it was hilarious, and i love supporting their shows because most of them are written by a local guy here in cache valley.

we spent the real v-day enjoying a yummy dinner - pioneer woman's drip beef (thanks for the idea chels!) and i got to take a long nap while mike attended EQ meetings. now that drew is also living in logan, my family likes to drive up and visit more often :) so we spent the afternoon playing catch phrase and laughing off all the calories from dinner. cheesy as it may be...we love this holiday!

3 down, 70 to go

what i can't see is how i'm ever gonna love you more,

but i've said that before.

now you're my whole life,

now you're my whole world...

we'll look back someday

at this moment that we're in,

and i'll look at you and say,

and i thought i loved you then.

27

i decided to jump on the bandwagon and share with you just 27 of the reasons i love this guy so much....

1. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: he doesn't just offer me a shoulder to cry on, he cries with me.

2. he cannot keep secrets.

3. he is always right. there's no point arguing with him.

4. he is level-headed and rational.

5. he randomly starts dancing in the grocery store aisles. LOVE that :)

6. he knows everything about sports. seriously, i don't know how he knows all the random little details about every team, player, and coach.

7. he loves coco.

8. he is always hot, and i am always cold. works well.

9. he has a testimony and lives it.

10. he is the best listener, and unlike most guys, he's really okay to just listen and not feel the need to solve all my problems.

11. he gently reminds me when i'm being irrational and crazy. (which lately has been quite often...)

12. he respects his parents.

13. he is a great budgeter.

14. he is a first-generation college student and will be graduating in may. hip hip!

15. he likes to snuggle. (or more like he knows i like to snuggle so he pretends :) )

16. he gets excited when i sew cute things.

17. he gets along with everyone.

18. i still get butterflies in my stomach when i hear his voice on the other end of the phone.

19. while i am playing postlude on the organ, he'll sneak up behind me and start singing his own version of the hymn i am playing. i can never keep a straight face.

20. he hates halloween (and byu) as much as i do!

21. he plays the air guitar or drums when his favorite songs come on the car radio.

22. he pretends to like everything i cook.

23. he loves expensive pens and pencils.

24. he served an honorable mission and still loves talking about it.

25. his nickname is goldberg. goldberg always was my favorite wrestler :)

26. he opens every door for me. very chivalrous.

27. he makes me want to be a better person.

happy birthday babe! i love ya!

mhk

he doesn't just offer me a shoulder to cry on, he cries with me.

he does the dishes without being asked.

he knows when i'm feeling fragile and offers me backrubs and extra 'i love yous.'

he takes the dog out when it's not his turn.

and even though he ruined my goal of no dessert this week by bringing home fresh cookies from paradise bakery, i love him.

i have a hot date tonight.
i plan on doing my makeup.
curling my hair. (okay, so this part is already done)
wearing a cute new sweater.
bundling up in a coat and scarf.
running off to the city.
enjoying the night doing something we love- cheering for the jazz.

it's no secret that i pretty much love dr. laura and frequently ask myself, "what would dr. laura do?" one of my favorite bits of wisdom from her is to be the kind of wife you'd want to come home to. it's like the golden rule for marriage.

i have not been the kind of wife i would want to come home to this week. stress, which leads to an excessive amount of crying and eating chocolate, have had the best of me. i haven't slept well, which causes mike not to sleep well. i haven't done any of my wifely duties- laundry or cooking or cleaning or even being there to listen and be concerned about his day.

i came home yesterday to the michael buble christmas cd (listen to it. right now. you'll love it.) and a post-it note that said "i love you." aw. i didn't deserve it. i've been an awful wife for the past few days. i have become wrapped up in my own emotions and taken a lot of that stress out on him. why do i do that? the one person who wants to help and listen and care is the one i neglect and take out my frustration on.

so tonight we're going to cheer loud. enjoy each other's company. spend the night stress-free. and i'm going to be the kind of wife he deserves to come home to.

2 Years

I can hardly believe we've been married for two years, but at the same time, it's hard to remember what life was like before we were married. I'll spare you the mushy stuff about how much I love my man and just post a few of my favorite pictures from our wedding. . .

The Birthday Boy

26 years ago, a sweet little guy with chubby cheeks, dimples, and a great big smile was born. Isn't he cute?! He's still the cutest guy I know and I love him very much. Everyone wish Mike a happy birthday!

flooded

My little sister and her friend Rachael are the invaders this week because they are here for EFY. They go to EFY during the day and hang out with us at night. I was warned before they came that Rachael takes long showers. Seems irrelevant, but this is important.

I woke up this morning at 5:00 am and heard water running. I assumed that Kennedy and Rach had stayed up late and one of them decided to shower. Not all that unusual for these two ladies. I tried to go back to sleep but laid awake for what felt like hours thinking, wow, Rachael really does take long showers. I looked at my alarm clock again and it was 5:45. I needed to blow my nose so I walked out of the bedroom the opposite way because I assumed someone was in the shower. The carpet by the door was wet. I opened the door that leads to our laundry room to find water shooting everywhere. It seemed like it was coming from the ceiling and when I stepped in, my foot was buried in water. Of course I panicked and woke Mike up. (good to know that he will come running if ever I wake him up while he's asleep) Apparently the water hose that connects to the washer had burst. We had at least 5 inches of water in the laundry room. After we had cleaned that room out, we could still hear water dripping and walked downstairs to find another 4 inches of water flooded in the basement. The water had probably been going for 3 or 4 hours.

There's a door between our kitchen and laundry room that I never close but for some reason I closed it last night. I usually keep my purse (and ipod) on the washer so I can find it when I'm leaving for work. I normally keep the vacuum in the laundry room but I had been vacuuming on Saturday so I left it in our living room. I'm so glad that I did all these little things that I don't normally do because nothing important got ruined from all the water. (except for the girls' treats and mike's phone, but hopefully it dries out and works when we get home)

It could have been so much worse than it was. It was the cold water hose that burst. If the hot water had burst we would have burned our legs and feet trying to get it out. The water stayed in two rooms of our house, didn't ruin any carpet, and it was relatively easy to get the water out of the laundry room. We bought a wet-vac and made about 100 trips up and down the stairs with buckets in our hands to get the water out of the basement. (my workout's done for the day!) There are fans blowing in the basement and upstairs and our basement is now cleaner than it's ever been.

I'm so glad that Mike made light of the situation. We woke up stressed and ornery (who isn't with such a rude awakening?), but as we spent the morning together on a mission to find a wet-vac and kept mopping and cleaning things up, he made me laugh and forget why I was worried in the first place. He handles having a crazy emotional wife so well :)

I wish it was still the weekend

Friday we babysat my sweet niece, Holly. She is the happiest little toddler I know. She could have stayed outside all night and was thoroughly entertained with pushing her baby stroller up and down our driveway and sidewalk.

Mike and I had salad from Cafe Rio for dinner and she loved the ranch dressing. She stole the tortilla chips from the top of my salad to dipped in the dressing. Then she said "picy!" and kept on dippin'.

Annette, Camille, and Lisa came up to Logan on Saturday so we could have our monthly scrapbook get-together. I think my room with the orange wall is the perfect place to scrapbook. Who knew that my little house could hold four crazy scrapbookers and all of our scrapbooking loot? Good thing the dining room table expands. Here we are in action:


This ledge on my porch was just waiting for us to sit on it and take a picture:

Thanks for coming up, ladies. I had lots of fun! And here's proof that I actually did get something done, and I'm almost finished with my wedding book. Yay!

Finished

I finally finished The Host. I'm still kind of undecided about it. I didn't get into the book until page 300 but I did enjoy the last half quite a bit. Stephanie Meyer is a good writer and I liked the idea behind the book, but parts of it seemed inconsistent and confusing. If any of you have read it, I'd love to hear what you think. Mike and I have kind of been reading nerds lately. It seems that every night we come home to our books and don't even talk to each other until we're going to bed. Mike has read the first 2 Harry Potter books in the last week. Sadly he starts school soon so he won't be able to finish them all this summer. I had to beg Mike to take this picture with me. He hates getting his picture taken. Instead of smiling normal, he makes some weird shape with his lips. Then I get frustrated and plead with him to just smile, puh-lease, so he gives me a major cheese picture.

planted with a whole lot of faith that i can keep these flowers alive

That's How You Know

Nothing beats getting home late from school to find all the dishes have been done and the kitchen is clean. As I sit here listening to "That's How You Know" from Enchanted, (okay, I'm slightly obsessed) I can't help but smile, because even though Mike isn't super romantic, he knows just how to show me he loves me. He's the best! ETA: my husband is romantic in his own special way and that's why i love him :)

{so this is love}

*my husband, who understands that his wife loves flowers, even though she says she doesn't want anything for valentines day. and it's even better that he delivered them in person, along with diet coke and pink m&ms
*listening to the guys at work stress about what to get their wives/girlfriends for v-day. i am proud to say i convinced a few to write a nice card + buy flowers for their loved one.
*leaving sappy notes on the mirror for said husband, because today is a day in which you can be sappy
*eating breakfast with said husband, even if it was on the run
*the sun shining so bright against the snow that i have to squint my eyes
*singing out loud to michael buble, whose music makes me want to share the love

The more I think about it,the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.
-Vincent van Gogh