Monday, January 6, 2014

grief (part 1)

i have started and deleted this post a dozen times. i have felt that i need to say something but words still fall short.

it was almost one year ago that i sat in bed next to mike as he sipped blue gatorade. he'd had the flu for a few days but was starting to feel better. we joked about me giving him a sponge bath because he felt too dizzy to take a shower. i was tired; we hadn't slept all week. we didn't want me to get the flu for the babies, so he had slept downstairs a couple nights but that night i offered to sleep downstairs so he could sleep better in the bed. i put socks on his cold feet. i took a sleeping pill. i told him i loved him and would just be downstairs if he needed me.

when i woke up the next morning, i knew instantly that every dream and every plan--the life we had built together--was gone. the one person i love most and was dependent on for everything had been taken and there wasn't a thing i could do. i felt (and still do sometimes) numb and in shock for a while. then the grief set in.

at its worst, grief leaves me debilitated, depressed and despairing. it's isolating and consuming and numbing. it's exhausting and requires constant vigilence to control every thought, because if left to run free, grief has made me want to die.

but at its best, there is something holy about grief. grief refines me. grief teaches me that God chastens those he loves. it has refocused my priorities and directs every choice i make. it leaves me softer, more receptive, more raw and vulnerable. grief increases my capacity to feel.

the Savior said "blessed are those who mourn." i mourn. i grieve. and i am blessed. His grace has been my supply. i am overwhelmed at having tasted even the smallest portion of His mercy and goodness. He continues to create peace through the heartache and hope through the despair.

people often say that their spouse is their better half. if that were true, losing that half would be a clean cut, simply a missing piece. losing mike has been neither of those things. he wasn't my better half; he is what made me whole. he made me who i am through his life and now his death. because of him i know what it means to love and be loved. i know what happiness is. i know what heaven will feel like and i know i want it.

i haven't been cut or severed from him; he is still close and will always be part of our life. but our life, which is now simply "my" life, has been broken and destroyed. someone once described it to me as a glass shattering in a million tiny pieces that can't be put together in the same way again. instead, you have to create a new glass through which to view life.

so i'm trying to create that new glass, relying on God and mike and our huck and fin. these babies make the view pretty sweet.


 



 
 


19 comments:

The Kings said...

Beautiful post. It's just so hard to believe they aren't here hey. I'm so glad that you can see the blessings, even though it's so hard. Lots of love and prayers xxxx

Christina Harrison said...

This is beautiful. You are a very strong girl, and your babies are just the cutest.
My thoughts are with you and your beautiful family. xox

Katie and Rob said...

This is beautiful, thanks for sharing sweet carly. I think of and pray for you and those sweet babies often. Xoxo

JaNae said...

Thinking of you Carly. You have such an amazing testimony and those two babies you both created, they are perfect and adorable!

Annika said...

You are so brave and strong for sharing this. I think of you often and pray for you always. I need to come see you and those precious babies soon!

Ashley said...

Carly, you and your precious babies are in my thoughts and prayers. I bet Mike is so proud of all three of you. :)

J. said...

It's so wonderful to hear your thoughts again. Such tender words to describe the feelings you've experienced over the past year. Thank you for sharing.
Your babies are adorable! Love their names :)

Camilla said...

What a beautiful post. You have such a way of putting words to such raw and tender feelings. You have been my mind for months. Your perspective is amazing, and I am inspired by you.

Also, those babies of yours are so adorable I wish I could reach through the computer screen and squeeze their soft cheeks.:) You are such a beautiful mother inside and out.

Tracie said...

I am so sorry for the lose of your husband. Your twins are absolutely gorgeous. I remember reading your husbands obituary and my heart aching for you, I am a mother of twins also and I couldn't imagine having to do it alone. But you are strong!

z&jarnold said...

Love you Carly! This really is a beautiful post and I just cried reading it. I can't even begin to understand what you have been going through but I truly wish you and your sweet babies every happiness.

HiToplay said...

Hittoplay is the place where you can have endless entertainment, Batu Caves in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Bukit Bintang Kuala Lumpur .Content: Songs, News, Cooking Recipes, Technology, Religion from all around the world on demand or live Sia Cheap Thrills is just a click away . Coldplay Hymn For The Weekend feat Beyonce
Life without entertainment is colorless Alan Walker Faded and we offer the best entertainment Mike Posner I Took A Pill In Ibiza That you could have ever experienced. Wizkid & Kyla We believe in providing I Took A Pill In Ibiza latest and the best quality, Qayamat Ka Din Video experience. Maulana Tariq Jameel

broşür dağıtım ankara said...


Broşür dağıtım hizmetinde Ankara'nın en iyisi olan
broşür dağıtım ankara hizmette
sinir tanimiyor...

abo-bder said...


شركة تنظيف بالجبيل
شركة شفط الصرف الصحى
شركة تنظيف بالاحساء
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالجبيل
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالجبيل
شركة شراء الاثاث المستعمل
شركة مكافحة حشرات بجازان
شركة تنظيف بجازان




madad ali said...

www.thuongvietnam.com
Rao Vat
Rao Vat Uc
Tim viec
phong cho thue
Dich Vu | Mua ban

AG SEO said...

Well the given post has conveyed a very good information and that too in a presentable manner.
To remove any kind of browser hijacker you can download any kind of online browser hijacker removal tool.
Now a days many kinds of trojans a category of virus is affecting online so to avoid this kind of virus one can search online for trojan virus remover
also to remove any kind of adware you can search for adware removal tool

ชื่อที่แสดง said...

I am so sorry for the lose of your husband. Your twins are absolutely gorgeous. I remember reading your husbands obituary and my heart aching for you, I am a mother of twins also and I couldn't imagine having to do it alone. But you are strong!


หีฟิต

24Living hours said...

Hey! Great Information, Nice and very relatable information. Will be looking For more. Awesome post, thanks for sharing this post. i am Roose aana and i can provide Online Assignment Help Services.

24Living hours said...

Really very nice information, thank you so much dear for sharing the valuable information. Here our blog provides information about choghadiya. If you want more info, please check mPanchang.

gream said...

Online casino games site that will help you make many online casino game players. It has come to the online entertainment of playing online casino games to fully meet the needs of many online casino games. You are playing a lot of online casino games. Golden slot Can join the fun of playing online casino games are full. The online casino games through the Gclub69 website also provides you with all the online casino games players to fully enjoy the game online casino full. The online casino game players have come together to play the challenge of playing online casino games to fully meet the needs of playing the most popular online casino games. สล็อต We also have the style of playing online casino games that we have guaranteed. You will come to enjoy online gambling and you will also get the experience of playing online casino games. To make it easy for you to play the most popular online casino games at any time.