perhaps

perhaps i'm being selfish.

perhaps the thing i want most has consumed me and confused me and upset me so much that now i'm just being selfish.
perhaps i want the wrong thing and perhaps i want something i can't have.
perhaps i should stop putting "all my eggs in one basket," but i honestly don't feel strong enough to start perusing a different path right now. i don't know if i am strong enough.
perhaps jonathon safran foer was on to something when he wrote, "I tried the key in all the doors, even though he said he didn’t recognize it. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, because I did. It’s that at the end of my search I wanted to be able to say: I don’t know how I could have tried harder."

and perhaps i just need to keep trying harder,
taking all the turns down the road i'm on before doing a u-turn,
exhausting all the options so that i can one day say, i don't know how i could have tried harder.

perhaps.