breathe.

image on my pinterest here

i am breathing. and considering the hell we've been through the last few weeks, i don't care if it's the only thing i've done all day. yesterday our doctor asked if we're ready to try again. can he really be asking that? have the shots and appointments and blood draws and retrieval and fertilization and freezing and embryos and the heartbeat and the miscarriage already come and gone? he told me to take a deep breath. all i can do is keep breathing.

i'm trying to just let myself feel right now instead of pushing it all aside, and i feel like i let people down. i feel stupid for telling anyone about IVF and for telling a select few that it worked. i feel stupid for thinking it would work and at one point thinking there might be two babies cooking. i feel stupid for getting excited, making future plans, dreaming of names and a nursery. i feel sad and discouraged. i am bereft.

but in the moments of my deepest sorrow, i have also felt the most intense gratitude and humility. i am incredibly thankful that for 8 short weeks, i was pregnant. i was pregnant! i am thankful we heard a heartbeat; it's worth fighting for. i'm thankful we can keep fighting. i'm thankful for my husband. as cliche as it sounds, he's the reason i get out of bed each day. i'm thankful for our doctor and a wonderful staff of nurses who are rooting for us. it's refreshing to have a doctor who knows what we've been through, reads our chart, knows our names and cares as much as we do. i'm thankful for his optimism that using our "second string" of embryos, we can achieve a healthy pregnancy.

i'm also thankful to God for showing His hand through all of this and for inspiring so many to reach out to us through cards, notes, and flowers. i'm thankful He inspired my friend Taylee to send me these verses of scripture. while this has been a time to weep, a time to heal, and a time to break down, i know that God will build us up so we can laugh, dance, and feel peace again. He will make everything beautiful in His time.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,11

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.