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C.Jane has done it again. i've re-read this post 100 times. i’m nodding my head, i’m crying, i’m wishing i were as good with words as she is, because this is what i’ve wanted to say. this is what i want to say to people who don’t get it. to the mean but perhaps well-meaning ladies at church. to the woman who asked “when is it your turn” every time she saw me holding a baby. to the man who rebuked me and mike saying, “you’ve both graduated from college, you both have good jobs, you're making good money, you should be having kids.” to the woman who told me i was “ornery because you hate being around babies.” to the sister-in-law who offered to be a surrogate because she gets pregnant “as soon as he looks at me.” to the countless people who have offered their two cents on an easy fix: just adopt. just lose weight. just see this doctor—he has a 98% success rate! just try acupuncture. just eat better. just have more faith. just “practice” more. just relax: your time will come.
it’s not just about being pregnant or having a baby anymore, and especially right now when i couldn't be much more infertile or aware of it and not sure how to move forward, i’m realizing that it’s not even about a baby, or lack thereof. infertility and the longing, the emptiness, the excitement, the discouragement, the hope, the heaviness, the sorrow, the laughter (and i have some funny stories to tell some day)--they are all the symptoms, but not the cause.
the cause as C. Jane puts it is “not seeing who I really [am], with or without a baby.”
it wasn’t a minor breakthrough when i realized that who i am, and my value as a daughter of God, is not defined by my infertility.
several years ago i had this skewed mindset that i was trying to do things "right," so God loved me and i’d be a mother soon. i had based my worth on becoming a mother. when that didn't happen, i seriously doubted my capability of doing anything.
silly, right? i was basing my worth on something i have absolutely no control over. i was basing His love on all the wrong things, and i was looking for evidence of His love in events that have yet to happen.
i remember driving home from work several months ago and pleading, "my burden is too heavy. i can't carry it anymore. i am too tired. i am done. please. please help me."
i had said the same prayer a dozen times before, but this time was different. i think the difference was instead of saying the prayer i wanted, i said the prayer i needed, and i was open to hearing the answer. i didn't suddenly become pregnant. i didn't have an epiphany about what medical procedure to try next. my situation didn't change at all, in fact, but a clear realization came to me: you are a daughter of God. you are valuable. you are loved. and that is enough.
my burden didn't feel so heavy when i allowed myself to feel that His love is enough, and i began to understand that He loves me not because of something i have or haven’t done—He loves me because i am His. and because i am His, i am capable of becoming something even greater than a mother.
12 comments:
I have had days where I haven't cried--lots of them lately, too. I pulled this up and it made me cry.
I don't know what you're going through. I cannot have any more kids and adoption sounds great to me, but I never struggled to have any of my own. I have my struggles, and sometimes I wonder why it couldn't have been something else, but my heart aches now with a new sympathy to women who cannot have their own children. There is really nothing I can say to make you feel better. There is probably so little anyone can say to make you feel better. My mother often tried to comfort me but instead of the comfort I was looking for, I received the simple knowledge that "this is MiNE, and nobody else's. I have to do this somehow and I can ask the Lord for help." It gave me new meaning and desire to overcome it and concentrate on my blessings instead of the lack thereof.
I know you already knew this. Just know I'm thinking of you.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I really believe that you are such a strong person! Heavenly Father isn't punishing an infertile couple. I believe that the trials he gives us shows us a glimpse of how much he truly loves us. If he didn't give us these trials, we wouldn't be able to grow, and isn't that what he wants most for us? To grow and become like him. I think that people who judge couples without children should keep their mouths shut. They don't know what you've been through. Some people do get pregnant easily, but for others, there's a reason why we call children "miracles."
i love you
Thanks....I needed to read this today.
Carly your a darling, sometimes you just have to write your feelings down. I think that you really hit it on the head that your worth as a daughter of God doesn't change with or without children. You are important and you have a purpose, its just remembering this during hard times that can be so tuff.
I don't know what to say, but I think you're awesome Carly for being a lot stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. I know how difficult this particular trial can be and the fact that you are able to see and acknowledge your worth and not pull a stink with God shows amazing character.
Carly, beautifully said! And so very true!
Carly, This post touched me. You are amazing and strong and good. I am so happy to know you. Thanks for teaching me a lesson that I needed to learn. Hugs!
I think we were having similar thoughts yesterday my friend. Our worth as daughters of God is not dependent on individual circumstances. To him we are his precious daughters first, foremost and always. Love you!
Oh lady, this is beautiful. I know your heart. I know you struggle. I know how much you want to be a Mama. I am so glad you had this answer to your prayers. xoxoxo
I love you and think of you often. While I don't know first hand what you are going through, I do know the pesky, intrusive questions people feel entitled to. Luckily God doesn't. I'm glad you found your worth again, as I know you know you are a daughter of God. Just remember the wise words of Death Cab, " When I see you, I really see you upside down, but my brain knows better, It picks you up and turns you around."
Car Im jumping up and down cheering for you. Thank you for being brave on the blog. I appreciate people who put it out there. I dont think I was as strong as you. I understood that I had chosen my path, but you, my darling Carface, have taken this to a whole new level. You're amazing and I love you.
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